My counseling clients often complain
to me about interactions they had with a partner, friend, parents or co-worker.
When I asked the question, "Why didn't you speak up for yourself?"
here are the most common answers I receive:
"I don't want to rock the
boat."
"It won't change
anything."
"He/she won't listen."
Charlie is in his early 70's, and
has been married to Esther for 43 years. Charlie and Esther love each other
very
much, but there has always been a problem in their marriage, and Charlie
finally decided to get some help with it.
The issue is that Esther often
speaks to Charlie with a harsh, demeaning, parental tone - telling him what to
do. All these years, Charlie's way of dealing with this has been to comply - to
be the 'nice' guy and try to 'keep the peace.' But every once in a while he
suddenly blows up, scaring and hurting Esther. In his mind, he has been in a
no-win situation. The last blow-up led Charlie to seek my help.
The problem is that Charlie had
never said anything to Esther in the moment about her tone. When he did say
something, after the fact, Esther would have no idea what he was talking about,
so she would explain, defend, and turn it back on him.
"I don't know what to
say," said Charlie.
"Charlie, how do you feel
inside when Esther speaks to you with a harsh, demeaning tone?"
"I feel small, diminished, like
I did when my father would criticize me. I feel like a helpless little kid. I
hate it. It hurts me."
"I tell her to shut up."
"So you don't say anything
about her tone of voice or how you feel?"
"Charlie, if you were to say
something in the moment, not about what she is saying, but about how she is
saying it, what would you say?"
"I'd say, 'Your tone of voice
is harsh and diminishing and it hurts me.'"
"Great! Would you be willing to
say this the next time Esther is harsh with you?"
"Yes!"
The next week, Charlie reported that
he and Esther had a great week together. He had quietly responded the way we
had rehearsed and he was shocked at how Esther responded. Instead of getting
angry, defensive, explaining or attacking, she said, "You're right. I'm
sorry. Thank you for telling me."
All this time Charlie was certain
that if he spoke up for himself, things would get worse.
