Communication is a vital part of our
lives: a typical day involves many interactions between ourselves, our work
colleagues and clients, our children, our friends, our ex's, future
relationships, etc. This interaction takes place where we live, work, relax,
socialize and wherever we perform routine tasks.
Communication skills are critical
for building healthy relationships, especially when one realizes that one of
the most common causes of relational breakdown is a lack of communication. There
is very little truth in the saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words can never harm me." "It's like talking to a brick
wall"
It's easier to avoid her"
"He always gets defensive when
I try to talk about issues"
Communication is a complex process;
of which speaking only makes up for 10-20%. The other 80-90% is made up by
facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc.
Communication is the art/ science of
transferring a thought/ idea/ information from the mind of one complex human
being to the mind of one or more complex human being(s). For communication to
be effective, it must be a two-way process.
Dynamics of Interpersonal
Communication
1. Facts: are both people
communicating about the same set of facts? Try to separate the facts from
thoughts or feelings.
2. Interpretations, Thoughts or
Perceptions: Each person interprets a fact differently based on their belief
system, personality, values and experience.
3. Feelings: how we are feeling, our
current mood and frame of mind, etc can sub-consciously affect decisions and
thoughts.
4. Intentions, Needs or Wants:
hidden agendas; are we looking for comfort, clarification, information or
simply a chance to interact? 5. Actions: choice of words (is the intent to
create harm?) + tone of voice + non-verbal speech = body language, posture, eye
contact, facial expressions, etc.
"The medium is the
message" => the way the message is delivered is the message itself.
6. Self: The communication centre,
which includes the issue, topic or conflict at hand, has been
"filtered" by the facts, interpretations, thoughts, feelings,
intentions, and choices of behaviour / actions.
Listening and Feedback
- Invite feedback to clarify
communication.
Someone who's not listening lets
their mind drift and is already preparing the next argument or opposing
thought; inaccurate feedback or limited eye contact.
Listening is an active, not a
passive process. This equates to the accusation of "not listening". Most
couples start arguing and within 5 minutes are arguing about the way they are
arguing.
Don't argue when you're angry - you
will not be able to listen objectively. Did I understand you correctly? Feedback
can be verbal / non-verbal e.g. a nod, smile, silence or a cold shoulder. No
feedback is in itself a form of feedback.
If the words and actions contradict
each other, it is better to believe the actions!
Conflict Resolution
Conflict resolution can either be
Constructive or Destructive.
Destructive Style - hinders or
inhibits the conflict resolution process:
Confrontational (win or lose,
blaming)
Sabotage (focus on weak points,
shaming)
Manipulation (blackmail, withdrawal)
Giving in (passive, submissive)
Avoidance (denial, withdrawal)
Constructive Style trying to minimize the issues and avoiding
the difficulties in resolving the problems:
Compromise (meet halfway,
understanding)
Accommodate (open discussion,
communication without confrontation)
Partnership (solutions, forgiveness,
honesty)
Avoid bargaining, as this may lead
to each party taking a rigid position which in turn can flare tempers.
When resolving conflicts, remember
that their causes may run deep. Sweeping issues under the carpet isn t going to
work in the long term, as old baggage will be brought up each time an argument
starts. Don t forget that your goal is sorting out the problem, not winning an
argument!
2. Ask the other person to define
the problem. Stick to solving one problem at a time, that way you can understand
each problem as the other person sees it.
3. Express your own feelings. 4.
Define the problem as you see it. As your feelings come out, the solution may
become clearer. 5. Create multiple solutions. Aim to find alternative or
creative solutions that reduce emotions and tension.
6. Rate the possible solutions. 7.
Combine and create a mutually acceptable solution. Create something acceptable
to both parties, if this doesn t work
go back to step 1 and ensure both parties are being totally honest.
8. Be sure both parties agree to
work towards resolving the issue.
Troubleshooting For Problems in
Communication
Control or Power Issues: Effective
communication cannot take place if one person has "control" over the
other or where there is not mutual respect and equality of relationship. Triangulation:
Do not bring in a third party to avoid direct confrontation. 19 Steps to
Effective Communication
1. See communication as an
opportunity to praise, build-up, affirm, heal, support and give positive
reinforcement, rather than to correct, criticise, tear down, hurt, wound, lash
out at. Praise opens doors to further communication, while criticism shuts them
down.
2. Remember that actions speak
louder than words; non-verbal communication usually is more powerful than
verbal communication. Avoid double messages in which the verbal and the
non-verbal messages convey something contradictory. (Credibility gap)
3. Define what is important and
stress it; define what is unimportant and de-emphasise or ignore it. Avoid
fault-finding.
Avoid statements which begin with
the words You never or I
think you .
5. Be clear and specific in your
communication. Avoid vagueness.
6. Be realistic and reasonable in
your statements. Avoid exaggeration and sentences which begin with You always
7. Test all your assumptions
verbally by asking if they are accurate. Avoid acting until this is done.
Avoid assuming that other people see
things like you do. (Perception)
9. Recognize that your family
members and close friends are experts on you and your behaviour. Avoid the
tendency to deny their observations about you
especially if you are not sure.
10. Recognize that disagreement can
be a meaningful form of communication. Avoid destructive arguments.
11. Be honest and open about your
feelings and viewpoints. Speak the truth in love. Avoid sullen silences.
12. Do not put down and/or
manipulate the other person with tactics such as ridicule, interrupting,
name-calling, changing the subject, blaming, bugging, sarcasm, criticism,
pouting, guilt-inducing, etc. Avoid the one-upmanship game.
Avoid getting bitter if you are
misunderstood.
15. Be tactful considerate and
courteous. Avoid taking advantage of the other person s feelings.
16. Ask questions and listen
carefully. Avoid preaching or lecturing.
Avoid falling for the excuses of
others.
18. Speak kindly politely and softly.
Avoid nagging yelling or whining.
19. Recognize the value of humour
and seriousness. Avoid destructive teasing.
Summary
As you look ahead to new
relationships, you need to be able to break old and faulty communication
patterns to allow for healthier interaction. The use of praise and positive
reinforcement will reconstruct wounded and broken self-images and will build
self-esteem, particularly in children.
