Q: I need some relationship help. ~Lynn, Carlsbad
CA
A: Thanks for the question, Lynn. It is extremely
distressing to feel as if your words and actions have no impact (or no longer
matter) to your spouse/partner to think that someone whom you love deeply is no
longer engaged fully in the relationship or interested in what's important to
you can be extremely painful.
Is it fair to say that at some point
most of us would react negatively (protest) if we perceived our spouse/partner
to be unavailable and unresponsive to our needs?
2. When you feel ignored for
extended periods of time, your sense of despair can turn into feelings of
hopelessness you give up on trying to engage your spouse/partner and begin to
retreat (this is a self-protective behavior in essence, you're cutting your
loses). This may take the form of indifference, withdrawal behaviors, and
disengaging from the relationship in general (and the responsibilities that are
a part of the relationship).
Typically a protest reaction isn't
random: Protest behaviors (getting really upset when your partner isn't
responding in predictable ways that make you feel secure in the relationship)
occur in a particular context; and the triggering event is usually feeling
anxious about losing the security of your relationship.
Relationship Help: Let's break down
this reaction:
An
unresponsive/disengaged/uninterested partner =>
triggers increased anxiety and worry
in the other partner, who then =>
attempts to reengage the
unresponsive partner (for example, "We need to talk," or "What's
wrong?") =>
and if the other partner is still
not responsive, protest behaviors are triggered.
Your protest behaviors (whether your
protest behaviors are perceived as nagging, pestering, yelling, or some kind of
increased emotionality like anger) are in effect attempts to try and correct
the problem ideally it's an attention-grabbing reaction that will let your
spouse know that something is wrong that needs fixing.
Think of protest behaviors as an
alarm sounding in an effort to grab your partner's attention to what needs to
be addressed.
Marital/relationship problems can
arise when these temporary reactions (feeling one's spouse/partner is
unconcerned and unresponsive) are not addressed and become ingrained patterns.
I hope this sheds some light on why
you seem to get so upset with your spouse (or why we all get upset with our
spouse/partner at times). Click Relationship Help to sign up for Dr. Nicastro's
free Relationship and Marriage Advice tips & read his latest blog posts.
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